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one splitting this entry into three, since it's so long i was in a waiting room filled mostly with older people looking carefully over their paperwork about advanced directives. i had forgotten my photo id and my insurance card, but the lady at reception was super friendly. i love smiling at people and taking the time to ask how they are, but i like it even more when they take the time to give an actual answer. the physician's assistant was a guy this time. "i'm thomas," he said, in probably the most bored tone of voice i've ever heard in my life. i closed my eyes as he took my vitals, but i couldn't relax. he started to close the curtains around me and said, "i'll let you change now, just open the curtain when you're done." i've found that no matter how proud and strong i try to be, hospitals strip me of everything. changing out of my clothes and feeling my bare skin against the hospital gown immediately made me feel sicker and weaker than i am. tying up my gown in the back, i thought to myself of how vulnerable and alone i felt. adding on the fact that i was practically naked, didn't help. i sat down to give myself a few seconds before i opened the curtain. "i'm thomas," i heard from behind the curtain next to me. he was talking to a woman and her mother who was getting screened for cancer. "does she have to change out of all of her clothes?" the woman asked. "yes," said thomas. a moment of hesitation and then the woman continued to speak on her mom's behalf. "sorry, she's just really scared and nervous" thomas let out a small, odd laugh. "don't worry, it's going to be fine." not wanting to hear any more, i got up to open the curtain. i walked by some monitors hoping to see a cute 22 year old boy in a hospital gown in the reflection (haha) instead, my first thought was, "damn, my ass looks huge" i opened up the curtain to find two female nurses waiting to prep me for the procedure. great. one started rubbing my arm to warm my veins, while the other asked me questions and initialed practically a million sheets of paper. i turned my head to the side, closed my eyes, and wished i just had someone's hand to hold at that moment - someone to tell the nurses that i was just scared and nervous since i couldn't say it myself. or better yet, the comforting gaze of someone's eyes letting me know everything is going to be fine. instead, i just told myself. suddenly i could feel one of the nurses tickling my feet, telling me that if i didn't loosen up, i would faint. i cracked a joke, in hopeful preparation for my future years of being charming with the female nurses. "faint?" i asked, somewhat confused. as i was asking, the other nurse started to say, "ow ow ow." she was inserting my i.v. "oh," i said. "yeah, you young males tend to faint when we put those in."
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