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winter is coming since i post my "lyrics/prose" on my tumblr, i feel like it's a bit redundant to double-post things here that i also post on my music site. instead, i think i'll just use this as more of a junkyard for random thoughts and rants - more personal, in a raw sort of way. but it's hard to think of where i should even start. if you took a snapshot of my thoughts at any given time, i feel like it'd be the most disastrous mess. a weird blend of love, goals, doubts, and worries. winter is coming, and i'm scared ... because winters have traditionally been crazy for me. i've started out so well this school year - i don't want everything to come crashing down again in front of my eyes. typically, in winter, i lose a sense of control. even if my sense of reason stays intact, my emotions can overwhelm me. in the dark, cold mornings it's hard to get out of bed. and happiness fades before i can enjoy it ... i feel like the next few months will be a true test of my newfound strength and how ready i am for what is ahead ... at the moment, i have a very strong 4.0, and i very much enjoy what i do. i love sitting down with my students outside of class and building a casual comfort between us without compromising whatever respect they have for me as their teacher. apparently, the other day one of my students came into my boss's office and told my boss how much i helped in her understanding of the material ... and that for the first time in her life, writing became fun. my boss has since campaigned to the department in favor of keeping me on board for next semester with higher pay for the same amount of work. i really needed that ... the thought of paying all of these future bills and saving up money is frightening ... ... mostly because i don't have time to find another job to supplement my current income. since i'm more senior in my lab position now, i get a lot more projects to work on . i'm currently starting on analyzing some data from astronauts and individuals who work in mission control, and am soon to be assigned to either an energy balance study or a cardiovascular health risk study. all these great opportunities come at the great expense of time. i'm often up working until 2 or 3 in the morning .. and on most days i wake up around 6:30 or 7. to keep myself sane ... i have my music. my youtube has gotten a lot more attention lately. it's gotten to the point that i'm on a chatting basis with a ton of people that (up until a few months ago) i basically considered untouchable stars and celebrities. as a result, a lot of doors have suddenly flung open. the best part of music lately has been the opportunity to work more closely with dabin, who is, by far, one of the most incredibly kind-hearted and generous persons i've met. provided that things work out the way they should, dabin, d, and i will be headlining a benefit concert in april in toronto. hopefully, i'll get to spend around a week there and play at venues like the hard rock cafe. dabin has connections up the ass but somehow remains incredibly humble about that fact. because of him ... when we complete our demo at the end of this year, a copy will be in the hands of recruiters and producers at EMI. even if all of this amounts to nothing (in terms of a music career) i really don't care. the fact that people all over the world have heard my voice ... that i can sing and write songs, and people have connected ... that professional recording artists who have inspired me have appreciated my art ... i feel so blessed already. i don't need anything more than that from music. i gig where i can here in collegetown, but i don't actively pursue it. before i graduate with my masters, i aim to have played 30 min sets at the prominent coffee shops here and at our student center. there's also a newer bar here that is recruiting acoustic talent, so i might try to play there. but for now, i'm content in playing obscure open mics. i'm so passionate about songwriting and music in general, but sometimes the whole process of working on the demo feels like a job. it adds to my daily stress ... so i try to take my doses of music right now in small amounts. my real outlet from stress lately has been dancing. i'm not great, but it's fun. through salsa, i've met so many lighthearted people that are just easy to smile around. the partner dynamic is also something so moving for me ... i've come to respect dancing so much more as a form of higher art. but at the same time, it retains its easygoing meaning to me. last night at 2 am, jena and i danced in a study room at norlin library for a good 20 minutes .. blasting music ... with people in the 24 hour commons room giving us looks of .. "what the ..." it really does keep me sane. at the same time, i find i'm often grounded by my volunteer work. right now, i'm volunteering for a program at children's hospital. if you know me, you know how much i love working with kids. i ta'ed first graders for two years. but now, i see kids in much different situations - kids that have to tow around an i.v. or are cognitively impaired to the point where their speech is comprised of a string of random words. working with these patients is truly inspirational ... i feel like so much of my strength comes from making connections with their hearts or in wrapping my head around the situation of their loved ones. i find that in these situations, people often say that their own problems become insignificant when compared to the grand scheme of how much suffering other people have to go through ... that they appreciate more what they don't have to go through, and more importantly, the things that they do have in their lives. they learn to disregard the small problems and chalk them up to nothing. i get that. but for me .. i feel like i've learned something different - that it's not so much that the small things are insignificant when compared to this child's cancer or that child's disability, but moreso that all problems deserve to be addressed ... all hearts need to be held whether just bruised or completely broken. i feel like i can do so much in this field ... starting soon, i'll be shadowing a few hours a week and also volunteering in the retirement home right by my apartment ... there aren't enough hours in the day despite all of these positive parts of my day, there is always some negative. i think the biggest shame is that probably only 2 or 3 of my college friends know half of what i just briefly mentioned about my life. i feel like only a handful of my friends have taken the time to see into who i am ... to acknowledge the mistakes but still see someone kind there. most of the others either misinterpret my actions or just get overly-competitive about things i don't regard as a competition at all - especially music. on another note, for some reason ... so many of my "friends" are hung up on this stupid bullshit of gossip and who's dating who. the gossip comes back around to me in the worst ways. apparently now i'm dating, or at least pursuing, 3 different girls .. in reality i see no one. i'm not interested ... i don't want it. and yet no one asks -me- to confirm anything ... they just go on spreading rumors as if suddenly we're in middle school again. i try not to let it get to me, but sometimes it's so vicious. people let their imaginations get the best of them and lose what's important in the process. some people have even gotten pissed at me for things that aren't even remotely true ... as much as i am still fueled by stupid notions of idealistic love and romance ... as much emphasis as i put on my heart and emotions ... let me make this very clear: i'm not looking for love ... for dating ... for anything other than friendship at the moment. most of that lies in the fact that i know that i'm still not ready. that so much of my heart belongs to someone who doesn't even want to have anything to do with me anymore. i've accepted so many things by now ... come to terms with so much ... moved on in so many aspects and become a better man for it. but i still know that it doesn't feel right yet. i have no expectations ... but my heart still hurts. i don't actively think of her ... yet she's always on my mind. it's not right, yet. it's 3:20 ... so i'll stop for now ... thank you for your care.
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