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you'll know a few hours ago, a friend's mother messaged me -slightly intoxicated- to ask me how i was. i hadn't spoken to her or her son more than a few times in recent years, but for at least a year and a half of my high school life - i'd spend a good portion of my days getting to know them. i asked her if something was wrong, knowing that something probably was. "'m' is sick," she said of her son. she didn't want to talk about it much. for now, she just wanted to be distracted. but if you give people long enough, they'll speak what's on their hearts. i told her about the good things in my life right now - of small hurdles i'd overcome - and how different and how very much the same i am since she last saw me. she'd laugh ... then get quiet ... and slowly break down. her best friend was battling late-stage breast cancer, and m recently had an episode of psychosis that the doctors are most likely going to diagnose as his first episode of schizophrenia. when she was young, she had gone through a few mental breakdowns, herself. she said that in some of her friends' and family's attempts to help her, more harm was done because she became dependent and unable to crawl out of the hole she was in. so she's scared of having to decide what place she's going to take in m's "recovery" ... scared that if she does too much for him, she'll be crippling him ... and scared that if she doesn't do everything, her son may feel abandoned, and the guilt would eat her alive. tearfully, she said, "i would never abandon him." that hit me so hard. what can we say in situations like this? do we try and find examples in our own lives so we can sympathize? do we offer words of hope and optimism? "i know," i said. "i know you wouldn't." and for the next 15 minutes i told her the things i knew. careful not to promise things that i did not know for sure in an attempt to just ease the pain. she's lived more than twice as long as i have - i wasn't expecting to give her any insight that her heart hadn't seen before. merely words of reassurance - of the things that we know. things she knew and would know again soon. "i messaged you because i knew you'd understand," she said. and i'm not sure i do. i don't think i could pretend to understand the situation .. of a mother whose son thinks she's out to kill him and abandoning him at the same time. i could never fully understand what it's like to be there. but to an extent, i understand her ... what's important to her ... what she needed to hear at that moment. and i can only pray it helped. she said, "for as long as i've known you, i know that you've meant everything you've said to me." it means a lot to hear that. i think to myself, "what a coincidence." ... that she would message me about this tonight. because not more than three days ago, i started writing a song. one meant exactly for these situations. i affectionately call it my "don't worry baby, you'll be fine" song. but officially, it's entitled, "you'll know." i started writing it the morning after an incredibly exhausting day filled with so much emotional depression and mental torture. i had wanted to give up on music completely most of the week prior. but that morning i woke up, and i decided i needed to write a song for my friends. for my friends who continually put up with so much shit and still grow. friends who have taught me by example ... how to be strong. how to love life. friends who i can proudly say i've been there for ... i called up d ... and told her what was on my mind. what i was writing this song for ... and she was very supportive of what i had written down so far. i asked her to sing on it and help with it because i was also writing this song for myself. because no matter how tall i can stand up these days, there are times that i, too, need to hear that i'll be fine. the question box below sends an anonymous e-mail to my inbox. whether you're a stranger or a good friend, i thank you for reading this. because this is practically the only place (other than my music) that i spill my heart out anymore. if you've read this ... please use the question box to let me know that you have. it would mean a lot. in return, i'll let you listen to a short clip from the song that i referred to. daniela sings in this half because i haven't recorded my part yet :) ... i hope you enjoy. "you'll know" off of my EP: "when you were young." ---------- paulo s - you'll know (click for clip) :) did you know this now, when you were young?
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