|
i wont let you at five a.m, the rain on the windowpane sounds so comforting. i imagine what it would be like to be soaking wet in the streets - the smell of it all. i love falling asleep like this ... and waking up to this, but right now i'm not letting myself do either. because i told myself i would write ... even if i ended up saying nothing. i wanted to write. and i don't think i'll get any rest until tomorrow evening. i've been thinking about the ways that we release ourselves. sometimes we cry. i can't remember crying in the past month ... although, at times, i wish i could. tears don't come, but it doesn't make me feel any stronger. sometimes all it takes to make the tenseness go away is a long soak in the shower. sometimes steaming hot - other times, freezing cold. i'll step out feeling refreshed, like my pain's been washed away. sometimes it doesn't work like that. on nights like this, i'll write ... and everything will feel better. other nights, i'll write songs to purge all of these things i can't say with just words. and when that proves useless, i don't say anything at all. i go to the gym. i drive fast in the rain. i crowd my mind with work and studying so there's no room for anything else. i sleep. but there are days when nothing works. i've learned that we just have to fight through these days - that occasionally things just don't make sense. no matter how bleak the surface may seem... how hard we're hit ... how unjust words can escape mouths ... how much inexplicable pain remains ... or how opportunities are ripped from our hands ... all we can do ... all i can do ... is keep fighting through these days. they don't last forever. when they end - dancing feels good again. i smile, and i laugh, and most importantly, i can cause others to do the same. everyone has so much pain. in the past few weeks, i've tried to be especially attentive to the woes of my friends. they range from "simple" love-life problems to seeing marriages fall apart. stress over what comes next in life. mistakes and regrets. one of the most beautiful human beings i know was recently told by her doctor ... that she should go on the waiting list for a heart transplant. despite all of these hardships, i really feel that nothing is more important than the fact that we have a chance to take care of each other. i told my friend that maybe i couldn't fix her heart, but at least i could stop her tears for now. i want so badly to be a doctor, so that i can do both. fighting is hard. in december, when i was trying to right so many things with myself ... i confided in my friend, connie, "i don't know what's wrong with me. i wish i didn't feel like this ... or at least knew why i do." she gave me the longest hug. "you'll be fine. i won't let you take anti-depressants when you have me." when i was diagnosed with clinical depression, i didn't tell anyone. especially not my parents. i knew how they'd react ... and didn't want to worry them more than they are. it was always painful having to ask them to stay out of the doctor's office when i went in for my other health problems. the doctor would always discuss it ... i didn't want them to hear. i do my best to comfort them. understandably, their confusion sometimes leads to anger. i hate that. fighting can be so complicated. "i won't let you..." i've turned down the option to go on anti-depressants for months now. thank you, connie. the ulcers in my GI tract are finally starting to heal, i think. i tried going off my proton pump inhibitors today, but for some reason my chest started hurting and i felt incredibly lethargic. i'll try again tomorrow in hopes that i only imagined the pain. i'm back over 130 now, but still have occasional, inexplicable vomiting fits. on some rare days, i can eat full meals. god, that feels like heaven. i'm retiring arra soon. but i promised myself i'd finish my demo with her. i've had her for 9 years now. hopefully she can write me all the things that i've learned about love since i've gotten her before i let her rest. when i have enough money, i'm going to get her fixed up. but for now ... i'm just going to buy a taylor acoustic-electric. i'm actually really excited about it! in the back of my mind, i dream about the standing invitation i have to go play shows and to see an EMI sponsored recording studio ... or to sing at hard rock. sometimes i really don't know what's stopping me. but i guess i'll just take it one step at a time for now ... my love to all those who still read ...
|
||||||