"someday i hope i can deserve the words you say"
may 08, 2009

there are times when i'll have so much on my mind that it's impossible to even know how to start writing. i like to think that i'm a somewhat organized person, and when i write, i make it a point to try to flow coherently through the entirety of whatever it is i need to say. but at those times, it doesn't even matter how long i stare at a blank piece of paper - how many times i draft out a first sentence and immediately erase it. starting is so hard for me. it's the reason half of my goals never even see a plan set in motion.

today was one of those days - where i had so many thoughts that i just wanted to get organized and said. but i got so frustrated because nothing even came close to being right for what it is i'm feeling. and maybe i still can't do it justice, but for now ... what it is i feel i'm saying ... feels right.

it took a phone call from a friend to get to this point. and this is a truth that i've known for a long time now ... that listening allows us to hear what we want to say. i barely spoke to him ... just asked for his insight on something ... and soaked in the reality of this all.

now the truth is, in the past few weeks (at least), reality hasn't been that much of a stranger. as over-dramatic and self-righteous and as wishful as i can be, i can sometimes see things for what they are, and not just what they are to me. and i understand that this can be hard to believe, it's not surprising that people often think that my head is in the clouds. that i'm living in my own version of a story so easy to manipulate. and it is true, that sometimes i get lost in my own imagination of how things are or how things were.

but not about this. not anymore.

i see why you stand as strongly as you do
and i hope you understand that there's strength in the way that i'm standing, too
it's not about expectation, reciprocation, or blind insane passion
i just care
in the simplest sense of the word
nothing else implied
i just care
and i'll always be the loudest voice cheering for you

some ask me why i (literally) choose to "weigh" myself down with things that should carry no meaning. but isn't it me that gets to decide if it carries meaning ... and what exactly that meaning is to me? i know my strength .. and i wouldn't weigh myself down and keep myself from accomplishing beautiful things in life. i would be the first to discard any excess. but i won't let important things disappear behind me.

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so from the very beginning of the day, i think it was pretty obvious that i hadn't gotten any sleep. i tried my best to not look all sick and pathetic, but apparently that didn't work because the first comments i got were: "why do you look so pale/morbid?" i felt nauseous all day despite having taken my meds this morning ... probably something to do with the flu-symptoms i've had and the lack of sleep ... but i have no doubt that my bigger problems are at the core. after graduation, i felt like fainting in the parking lot. i had to stop and sit on the gravel for a few minutes before we left. it was really disappointing because i had been so strong all day. my parents also cancelled their grad plans for me so they could take me home to rest. i felt so terrible. when we went to lunch ... i managed like two mouse-sized bites before puking in the restroom .. sigh. i really hope it has more to do with the flu than what i've been battling the past four months, because i've finally started to show some progress. i'm now in the 120's, and working really hard to get back up in the 130's. made some friends at the gym ... have some funny stories.

lolmatty

i've been a lot more conscientious about my weight after hearing first hand from a friend what eating problems can do to the cardiovascular system. i've been reading up on the heart a LOT recently. starting to gain a lot of interest in the prospect of cardiology, but still need to look into it a ton. hopefully i can shadow a cardiologist after i get back from hawai'i. no offense to them, but i'm sick of seeing the GI docs lately .. haha.

got some insight from a wise old man the other week on the medical interview process. it was pretty cool, he taught me some biochem and talked to me about new cutting-edge research ... and then he offered me a smoke. lol ... what the hell. why any doctor would smoke is beyond me.

driving down empty roads fast is becoming a nasty habit ... but it's almost cathartic. weather has been perfect lately. hope it rains tomorrow.