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someday in the morning (afternoon) when i wake, the pain medications have usually worn off, but i don't feel it until i move. it's weird. sometimes, when i'm lucky, my eyes will just slowly open, and i'll find myself in the position i remember falling asleep in. the past few mornings have been nice - hearing the rain steadily fall on the rooftop, imagining the smell of the street. i love rain. when there's no wind. i love the way it feels on my skin. to me, there aren't many things that feel that real. i like umbrellas. but i never use them - not just for myself, at least. i like the idea of sharing an umbrella. seeing a couple huddled under a tiny black umbrella. stupid little things like that renew my faith in love. the past two days, there's been no rain. but i've woken up to white skies. huge snowflakes. i've spent so many hours of my teenage years watching from my bedroom window, how the snow falls so slowly. when i watch it now, i feel like i have a song in me that i need to write. i've tried the past few days, but it doesn't feel right, yet. is it weird that the weather's been affecting me this much? it's been positive, so i don't mind. the first thing i have to do these mornings is take something like six pills and wait about 30 minutes before i try to eat. at the end of the day i'll have taken more than ten. it makes me feel so bad about medication routines for the elderly and the chronically ill - but it strengthens my resolve to dedicate myself to the health professions. for all the complexities of the human body, i really do feel that health needs to be simple. i want to give that to people. i've been thinking a lot lately. moreso than usual ... scary, i know. but i've just been able to see my life from such a different perspective this past week. i didn't want to waste it. just in case it goes away. i look back and i see flaws that i would have never even acknowledged 5 years ago, or 2 years ago, or even 2 months ago. i see a lot more clearly how things i've said or done could hurt so deeply. i'm trying not to dwell because i know there are good things, too. somewhere. but it's a weird state of mind right now. it's like i'm watching several years' worth of home movies documenting my emotional growth - the extent of my immaturity. i just have to laugh ... or cringe, in some cases. but i'm still holding out for a happy ending. that somehow, this sensitive, naive little boy, someday becomes a man worth mentioning. someone worth loving.
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