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afternoon scare i don't know how to feel right now after hours of jumping through hoops, i was talking to the doctor on the phone about my physical state and symptoms, hoping he could prescribe something to make the pain a little less debilitating. i was being pretty modest about describing the new pain i've been feeling - so i was so surprised when he told me i needed to go to the emergency room. tonight. and that there was a good chance that this was a serious complication. i told him that i had an appointment scheduled for tomorrow, and his exact words were, "tomorrow would be too late, i really recommend that you go to the emergency room tonight." too late, wtf. i tried to re-explain what was going on hoping that everything was just a mistake, but he was pretty persistent and was telling me that he'd call ahead to let the ER know that i was coming. my parents were driving to a town that's about an hour away on pretty important business - when i told them what the doctor had said, they turned around. while i was in the shower waiting for my parents to come home, i contemplated some of the things the doctor said about needing to get x-rays and a ct scan done right away, the possibility of having surgery tonight. i felt scared and alone all at once - i wanted someone to talk to, but my cell phone has been dead for pretty much more than a month now. my only comfort was in having gotten things off my chest before today. i just soaked up the hot water and convinced myself that i was strong, that this would be okay. my parents came home around the time i got out of the shower. the phone rang, and it was the doctor again. "i thought it through more, thought about the timeframe of your symptoms more, and i think we should be okay waiting until tomorrow with your appointment with me. it would be bad if i'm wrong, but i think it should be okay, i've had years of experience." on the phone i sounded so relieved, but after i hung up, i didn't know how to feel. all these thoughts and all these unnecessary worries. the first thing i said coming out of the shower was to my dad, "sorry," i said. "he said he was wrong. sorry you had to drive back." i just got a call from the nurse as i was writing this, apologizing to me and scheduling some more appointments for tomorrow. i see three doctors tomorrow. sigh. i have to call radiology first thing in the morning to get something worked out, and they've been so difficult in the past. i feel so frustrated ... like my heart can't take much more of this. but at the same time i'm so relieved that i'm not in the hospital right now. that things arent worse. that i still have the things i have. "oh, does this mean i have to stop eating soon for tomorrow's appointments?" i asked the nurse.
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