snow day
march 27, 2009

i went to bed last night with the intention of waking up and writing as soon as my eyes opened. but lately i've been able to recall my dreams more vividly than i'd like. last night held mostly terrible dreams that seemed to go on forever and ever. but with the state of things, i didn't really mind all that much until what seemed like the last ten minutes of my sleep. you came in quietly and you asked me if i wanted to fix us. i fell to my knees, but i felt weightless - like every burden was suddenly gone. like i somehow had escaped from hell. and there we were - just talking. happy despite the mess we made - feeling like nothing was broken.

when i woke, my body was sore - my mind and my heart, exhausted. not wanting to go back to sleep and unwilling to face the day ... sometimes it seems like there's nowhere left to run. outside, the sky is white. it's often beautiful in march. my little brother got a snow day. and i don't know why i'm awake.

despite my goals and my aspirations - knowing how far i've come and how far i want to go, it feels like my reasons for waking up every morning are buried so deep that they're hard to reach sometimes. last year, right around this time ... it was sunny. i was going through a lot of changes in my life. but every morning i woke up excited for the next day to come. bizarrely anxious for my spring break to be over. i was somewhere in between the depression of my winter and the hope of your spring. when break ended and i came home to you, i felt like i did in my dream last night. weightless. happy. free.

but now there's no spring break and no home to return to. my march will end with doctor appointments. and every morning is just a blur.

on days like today, when i wake up, i consciously remind myself of where i want to be in the future. i can and will be a doctor. and though that's reason enough to get out of bed, it's little comfort to my heavy heart.