five a.m: muscle memory
march 17, 2009

i was never really any good at piano
when i sit down at the keys now, i mostly just fumble my way around
play a few jazz chords here or there
play whatever rings with just the right amount of dissonance

i turned my back on classical piano because i thought i was
too good for it.
but i was never really any good at it
for some regrettable reason
it wasn't worth it to me - to take the time out

and then i dated someone who sometimes would stay up
past 2 or 3 in the morning just to practice a piece
much to the disdain of our neighbors
for no other reason than that she wanted to.

i'd be wasting time, doing nonsensical things on the computer,
and she'd be across our room, playing the same passage over and over again
she'd be so immersed in every piece she played - she had to get it right.
every piece she practiced sounded so difficult - and fast

one of my favorite things to do would just be to
sneak my way onto the piano bench
during her moments of intense concentration
i'd wrap my arms around her waist from behind
rest my head against her back while she played

other times i'd get jealous of the piano keeping her from
falling asleep with me
so i'd crawl out from under the covers
pick her up from the piano bench
and carry her to bed

i asked her to learn my favorite piano piece for me.
so she did
it only took her a day or two
and she played it often on days afterwards

first arabesque by claude debussy

it's a piece that was unlike the ones that she usually played
it has its slow moments. it's more delicate and elegant
it's complex without being too loud or too flashy
i loved it when she played it

that piece was actually the last piece i ever started learning
when i took piano lessons. i never finished it
in fact, i never really got very far.
but recently, i told myself that i should be able to
play it for myself
now that she's gone

so every day, i'm teaching myself little by little
and remembering what it was i saw in classical piano in the first place
before i turned my back on it

at first, there's the frustration of learning the notes
getting the rhythm down
you mess up over and over again, but you just keep trying
until you get it right
and when you get it right, you do it over and over again
until it becomes part of your muscle memory

then you can stop thinking so much about the notes
you can stop worrying if you're doing things right
and you just let the sound and emotion of the piece
dictate how your fingers move

i zone out a lot when it gets to that point
i think about so many different things in my life
that i don't even realize that i'm still playing
because it's no longer an intellectual process
it's just music

somewhere along the line my finger slips
and that music comes crashing down around me
i don't know what note comes next or what the hell
it was that i just played

but with even the smallest cue
with even the smallest reminder
everything feels like it's in place again
and once more, for a while
you get lost in your music

with even the smallest reminder
everything feels like it fits again
and for even just a while
i feel lost
i feel right