an update
march 04, 2009

it's three a.m, and to be honest, this is the first time i've read the letter in its entirety since i received it 12 hours ago.

evan emailed me today asking about my health and also to tell me that he got into graduate school. apparently the department had made decisions already, and unless i wanted to wait two weeks for a letter in the mail, i could e-mail them to find out the results. so, i e-mailed them, and immediately closed my browser. i told myself that i wouldn't check my e-mail until the evening because if i didn't get in and checked it right away .. well, then i would have felt like i essentially asked the department to speedily forward my rejection.

in thirty minutes i cracked and opened up my gmail. sitting there neatly at the top of my 500 unread e-mails, was a letter from admissions with no discernible decision from the message preview. i opened it up and read the first line:

"The following letter is being signed today and will probably be mailed tomorrow:"

"shit," i thought to myself. and then the next word:

"congratulations"

i threw my hands up in the air celebrating silently ... as if i had no voice or as if i were in a room of sleeping infants. i couldn't read the rest - i just skimmed the lines and saw the money that was being offered, which was more cause to silently dance around my room. a few deep breaths and i composed myself to step out of my room and tell my parents the good news.

my dad was in the office, which is immediately outside of my room - i walked awkwardly towards him but didn't know what to say so i just kept on walking - ended up in the bathroom. seeing myself in the bathroom mirror made me realized how terrible i am at keeping my composure when excited. i was smiling ear to ear, looking like an idiot. i distinctly remember mouthing the words "yes!"

when i walked out of the bathroom, i told my parents the good news. they were happy. "see, you'll get better now! you were just stressed," my mom said, regarding my health at the moment. i laughed and went back to my room, overhearing my mom quietly ask my dad, "what's he studying again ... you don't know?" that made me laugh.

after that point, it's mostly felt bittersweet. what this means for me is different than what it would have meant two months ago. important still, but different. i picked up my phone, knowing whom i wanted to call, knowing exactly whom i most wanted to tell. and with that, i suddenly felt as if i didn't want to tell anyone at all anymore. i just imagine what you'd say.

it's been twelve hours and the amount of people that know can be counted on one hand. i've been looking forward to this day for a long time, anxious and unsure. for about five days my eating had been getting better but then reverted to being shitty for the past two or three days. it seems to be affecting my singing now too, as i can't sing for very long or very loudly without having a coughing/gagging fit. in a way, i kind of needed today. it feels more bittersweet than i imagined it could.