on quiet days alone
february 27, 2009

how long it takes me to get out of bed in the morning depends on the morning, but usually it's quite a while. my bed's pretty huge, so i fill it with a lot of random crap at night to fill the space. i sleep with my guitar and my laptop, random sheets of paper that i've been working on. last night i fell asleep reading up on the heart, which quite predictably, is my favorite organ. so on the pillow next to me was a textbook outlining the way blood flows through the body. learning and reading are so much more enjoyable when you're not working towards deadlines.

when i wake up, the first thing i do is pull my laptop close to me. i pat around my bed to find my glasses that i carelessly just place next to me when i sleep. i check my e-mail, usually to see if admissions has sent me something. instead, i find youtube comments and your questions that you leave me here. those things brighten my day - like people that send private messages on youtube and tell me that my songs have helped them through their depression ... or simple things like people saying that i'm an inspiration to them. it seems so silly, but i feel so lucky and thankful to hear things like that. i just never know how to respond. i feel so out of place.

all of that (or the absence of it, in some cases) sends me into intense thinking mode. i lie around on my side completely vulnerable to my own insecurities. for no reason at all sometimes, i think deeply of memories and people in my life. my heart swells but aches at the same time - nostalgia fills my lungs after every conscious, reluctant breath. i sigh a lot, mostly at myself.

eventually, i come down to reality. sometimes feelings get to be too overwhelming that i have to force myself to focus on other things. i sign onto aim or msn and usually see ck's nonsense messages about getting enough sleep or sun power. if i'm lucky there will be someone to talk to about poetry or medicine or anything except my life right now. if not, i just hop out of bed and do a few sets of push-ups or sit-ups.

i go downstairs and try to eat ... this is probably the longest part of my morning ... so i always read the newspaper while i'm at it. i read the sports page first, front page second, and comics last. i plow through the sudoku puzzle if there is one, which makes me feel smart. then i head back upstairs, brush my teeth and shower. i fill the rest of my day with helping my dad with his work, getting some studying in, playing music, writing mundane things like this, and talking on the phone. from time to time my energy gets completely sapped, so i take short naps. when night rolls around, i drive to the gym and get my daily cardio in. if i do a good enough job, i'm usually too tired to think when i get into bed at night. so, i try really hard to do a good job. nights are the worst.

i want to start volunteering with kids again soon. random. random. random.