take care
february 26, 2009

my diploma is sitting in my room on top of my night stand, still in the envelope it was sent in. i'm a college graduate, and that's so hard to believe sometimes. when i see my friends and they ask me how classes are going, it's fun to hear the reactions when i tell them i've been done: "what?"

and so i find myself explaining that i don't have any memories of commencement because i didn't go. i wanted to delay and walk in the warmer weather of the spring, but more importantly, i wanted to walk with certain people that made my undergrad experience everything that it was. now, i don't even want to go through the motions at all. for the sake of my parents and friends that want to fly down and see me in the funky graduation garb, i probably will. but i feel like i'm dreading it already.

i think the only formal academic ceremony i look forward to now (even though, with luck, there will be many to come) is my white coat ceremony. right now, it seems as though that will be the biggest formal turning point of my life. as if i'll finally feel justified in everything once i can put on that doctor's coat. i really hope that day will come at all.

andrew has started to get in the habit of calling me dr. paulo. he says, "why deny the inevitable?"

but what seems so inevitable for many people around me still seems so unsure for me. and it's not about ambition or wanting to, but more so about capability. at the heart of my thoughts is this insecurity that i'm not smart or sensitive enough to take care of people the way they need to be taken care of. i wake up some mornings completely paralyzed by these thoughts. it gets to the point where i just have to try with everything that i am to convince myself that i have the brains or tell myself that i'm capable of making people feel safe. i hate that it comes down to that.

but right now, i'm failing at even taking care of myself. my last doctor visit ended up with 3 referrals to other doctors. i remember laying back and sighing just out of the frustration of uncertainty at one point in the appointment. i almost cried at the way he tried to comfort me: "it's not your fault."

but i've been better so i hope that things can continue to get better without too much medical intervention. it's naive to think that i can just will myself to healthiness, but it's important still, i think. my weight has pretty much stabilized at around 133 lbs, and i'm able to eat solid foods somewhat consistently now. i've been exercising a lot, too, but mostly for my mental health. i still randomly fall asleep in exhaustion without noticing it, even when i'm not doing much.

of course there's monetary considerations to this all. the co-pay for my radiology visits already ran pretty high, so i don't even want to imagine what it would be for endoscopy. i know this is something that i'll probably have to address to the fullest extent at some point in my life, but i can't right now. i don't want to right now. so i pray for strength to just be able to carry on with daily things the way i used to - that would be enough for me right now.

what's holding me up right now is the example that certain amazing people in my life have set for me. courage to still believe in ideals when reality tears them apart. perseverance to chase after dreams even when luck is working against you. so many ridiculous challenges that people so close to me overcame. and these are just people in my immediate life. people that have confided in me that they feel like they're weak and bitter and worthless. people that don't know how much they've motivated and inspired me. people whose hands i've had the absolute privilege to hold through tough times. strength reveals itself in the weirdest ways.