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vague today my friend andrew drove down to see me, to make sure i was okay. i feel so selfish even stating that fact. but at this moment, i feel better because of it. it started out as a short, planned outing. i hate deciding things and making plans. anyone who knows me knows this ... so i asked him the favor of planning out what we'd do tonight, and he agreed. unfortunately his plans involved dinner, which would undoubtedly be no fun for me at the moment, and a movie that didn't start until much later that night. to kill time, we went in search of an ice cream place, but ended up just talking for a few hours before movie time. when we realized it was almost time for the movie, we hopped into the car and sped towards the theatre. the whole night thus far, i had been pouring my heart out to him ... to every last detail. it seemed to be having the opposite effect than what i hoped it would have. it made me more agitated and frustrated, made me feel more hopeless and alone. it made my heart ache more and my physical state more pathetic. in the heat of our discussion, i missed the fact that we completely drove past the theatre. we ended up driving for about an hour and a half more ... just trying to talk it through. we ended up in the middle of nowhere, and at that point i couldn't care less. my mind kept focusing on tomorrow night ... where i wish i could be ... who i wish i could be, and knowing, painfully, that none of it is possible or even wanted. andrew stopped the car a few times because i was gagging and coughing too much. i felt like shit and felt like i was worrying him more than it was worth. so, i wanted to go home. before he dropped me off i asked him to take me to our old high school and the reservoir beside it. stepping out of the car and onto the sidewalk of my highschool, it hit me ... what a beautiful night it was. you could see so many stars. i just started laughing - he must have thought i was crazy. it was cold enough that i could see my breath. with my head fixed towards the sky and with sharp, cold breaths, i figured there was nothing left to bare but what was at the bottom of my heart. "you know the last time i remember seeing the stars ..." i recounted the happiest memories i could recall, hoping that the darkness could hide whatever tears formed at the corners of my eyes. i felt entirely vulnerable and the feeling ... hearing my own words ... was bittersweet. it took 40 minutes to walk the length of the campus and back. we slowly meandered to the reservoir ... because i just wanted to be beside the water. it took about another hour to head down to where the sand disappeared into what felt like the ocean tonight. the sky over the water was an indigo i'm not accustomed to ... he pointed out the moon and i recited a small snippet of a song that i know about the moon. taking a coin out of my pocket, i turned to him and asked him not to tell anyone (but now you know too). he looked confused until i explained to him, "the reservoir is my wishing well tonight" he didn't ask what i wished. we both waited as i tossed the coin far into the distance. we waited for the splash and waited until the ripples calmly faded back into a perfect reflection of the sky. i should have taken a picture. i should have posted it here so you could see. now i'm melancholy, but i feel better. things don't seem as overwhelming as before. as much as i know that i'll feel like complete shit tomorrow night, i'm fine right now. and i'd like to fall asleep with that feeling ... wsnd
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