fix me
february 2, 2009

people say that i write too indirectly and that my writing never actually is personal enough. so here goes:

in the span of something like 3 weeks I've lost 10 pounds because of not being able to eat without the sensation of needing to vomit all day. i went to the doctor today to get it and other problems checked out.

it was a little overwhelming pulling into the parking lot. the hospital i went to was somewhat recently constructed. the lot was packed, and cars were everywhere trying to find a space. i ran past the sliding doors wondering if this was truly where i would hopefully be studying and working one day. took the elevator to the fifth floor.

when the doors opened there was a long line of angry patients waiting to check out. it reminded me that hospitals are rarely ever happy places, so i decided to act more cheerfully than usual. that way, maybe the infectious irritation and sadness of patients wouldn't get me down any more than i felt already. i clung to my necklace as the nurse called out a name:

"sirpaio"

"that must be me," i thought to myself as she butchered my last name. i walked up to her and handed her the clipboard of my pain rating. i had marked a pain rating of 3 out of 10 because the smiley face depicting what a 3 would be ... looked exactly like me. "hi, i'm paulo," i said. "did you call me?" she asked me to say my last name. i was tempted to say "sirpaio" because i feel like such a jackass when i have to correct people. but i didn't, and so i felt like a jackass.

the medical assistant was really nice, though. we made some small talk about donuts and snakes on the way to the room. as she took my vitals, i just closed my eyes and tried not to think of anything but felt sad. "how's my bp?" i asked her as i felt the cuff loosening from my arm. shitty bp.

"the doctor will be in to see you in a few minutes," she said, as she shut the door of the room. i promptly got out of the regular-person chair and hoisted myself onto the patient's chair ... sat cross-legged, and waited quietly.

through the wall i could hear bits of a conversation between a doctor and a patient in the room next to me. i tried my best to tune it out and thanked god that i speak quietly. i'm usually quite big on privacy ... except for this post, i guess. ten minutes later the doctor entered the room and apologized for the wait. my parents had actually just asked him to fit me into his already booked day this morning, so i told him, "no worries at all for the short wait, and thank you for seeing me."

he sat down in the doctor's chair, and asked "what can i do for you today?"

and for some reason i got so confused about how to answer that. my first thought was: "oh god this is gonna be one of those quick what's wrong. here's your medicine. thank you. bye appointments" so i stared blankly at him for about 5 seconds before i began to describe the symptoms i was experiencing for my different problems.

he sat back in his chair and listened, hand literally on his chin in a thinking position. he asked me questions from time to time and paid a lot of attention to my hands, since i apparently explain with my hands. i remember feeling a hint of admiration for him and the profession as i looked at him and tried to figured out his current thought process. he phrased questions very delicately.

i began to hope that he was narrowing possibilities in his mind as the minutes went on. but as i described other problems, he shifted in his chair, breathed an (involuntary, i'm sure) heavy sigh and asked me increasingly more serious questions. it had already been 30 minutes since he walked in the door.

he got up and placed the cold metal of the stethoscope against my heart. i remember thinking how much different and better it felt when rena would lean her ear against it to listen. i wondered what it sounded like and worried. so, i happily took deep breaths when he asked me to ... in an attempt to slow it down.

and then he asked me to sit in the regular-people chair again. he pulled the doctor chair directly in front of it, looked at me, and said, very memorably, "i'm afraid that we have no other choice but to take this very seriously." he took out a piece of paper and began to draw diagrams for me, humoring the physiology major in me ... asked me to identify different parts of organs, which i got wrong ... haha.

he explained what he thought - how the pieces fit ... because he was inclined to believe that my problems were all related, and listed off a number of congenital defects that might be potential culprits. he said, "... so, we'll run every test that we can test and we will fix this. if every test known to man proves negative, then we'll look at new options."

"thank you," i said.

then, he did something that i guess i appreciate the most. he stayed with me to talk for a few more minutes. is it selfish that this meant something to me? we talked about medical studies and the origin of phrases that relate the GI tract with the nervous system and emotion. i gave him some korean pears that my parents asked me to bring to him.

"thanks," he said. "but tell them the best gift they could give me is for their son to be healthy again."

i laughed at the inherent cheesiness of his words, regardless of how sincere they may have been - "thanks doc."

he looked at the pears again. "actually, i don't really mean that. tell them thank you for the pears."

i laughed - felt better already.

in the next few days i'll have to go do a few tests before i show up for a followup appointment with him. hopefully, by then ... we'll have more answers. the lady who did my blood work after the appointment today was very nice and worked into her break to get me out and on my way sooner. but i think the lady at radiology was an unhelpful beezy =( sigh

and if you've read up to this part, please know that i'm fine, it's nothing too serious. with any luck i'll be able to fix these problems soon. thank you to those of you whom have shown me unlimited patience and support lately. and to those of you whom i have pushed away, purposefully or indirectly in my sadness, please know that i am sorry and that i am grateful to you too for your love and your care.