a.m rambling
july 16, 2007

i like falling asleep when light first starts to seep through my window blinds - before what many people would consider sunrise. cool air and gentle rays announce that the time is somewhere between night and day, but darkness seems almost completely absent from my room - simply from the fact that i can see my hands in front of me ... if only barely.

it's a poor choice on many different levels - even alone in the fact that i'm not tired enough to sleep before midnight or two in the morning. it says something about my days, and it's not that i have an unusual reservoir of energy or motivation - but that i am too casual about the passage of time. no, i don't know much about the value of a minute, or how much of a godsend eight hours of sleep is. i keep hoping that my mind will gradually gravitate towards reason and discipline - so that i will someday understand how lucky i am and how much time it is i've wasted.

at the moment, though, i cannot bring myself to sleep. i don't really think it's insomnia but more just a case of too-much-thinking-icitis.

i forget who it was that told me that silence means more as you grow older. i often thought of that as "you'll appreciate when you can actually find some quiet time!" but more and more it occurs to me that silence only leaves you with yourself. over time your thoughts and your memories become riddled with emotional interpretations ... nostalgia is a condition that grows more frequent with age. thoughts reign in the silence. your brain swells. your head hurts.

it took me two years to write this. two years to bring myself to actually write again - to manage the matters of my brain and heart, even if done so amateurly and immaturely. i just did not want to remain a spectator of my own mind. awake at four a.m ... thinking ... with nothing to show for it the next day. maybe from these lazy days and nights of thought, i'll eventually make something substantial enough to lead me to fall asleep tired.