january health
january 31, 2010

141. i've been able to go to the gym about 3-4 times a week except for last week. things have been crazy, so i'm just struggling to keep everything in order. i'm working about fifteen hours a week at the lab, and am a TA for 250+ students for three different classes, four different sections. i didn't feel sick at all last month. after the most severe symptoms of being sick passed this summer, there were still a few lingering issues. i couldn't chew gum or brush my teeth for more than a minute at a time without feeling incredibly nauseous or eventually throwing up. as far as i can tell, all of that is finally gone. i'm beginning to find time to dance again for about three hours a week. i've gotten a lot better with time management in some aspects, but with others … not so much. my office hours typically run 30mins-1hr over because it's still hard for me to say "no" to students … even at the cost of my much needed "protected-time". this month was the first month i had to deal with a student complaining about grades. but this month i also got to hear a student tell me i was one of the best teachers she's ever had. this month i got to play catch with kids at the hospital, and this month, i received a painfully meaningful hug from a ninety year old patient. a knowing-embrace that this was the last time i'd most likely ever see her--"you'll be the best doctor," she said, with tears in her eyes.

i've been keeping a purposeful silence with my friends about music. i've only told two of my college friends about major label interest in our demo .. which is crazy … considering our demo is not yet finished and we haven't sent it anywhere. people still have caught wind of it. i've been courted by an entertainment management group and have gotten to see how crazy people can be in this business. i'm scared--scared about how tangible a possibility music suddenly has become … scared of how i've spent years now building my track for one dream … to be tempted by the whispers of another. i tell myself that nothing is more important to me than becoming a doctor, but my friends say that if the door is open for me in music … that i should give it a try for now … that medicine will be there when i get back.

i'm twenty-three now. my birthday was this month. i spent it with friends at the hot springs … hot tubbing under moonlight. drank too much on the night of my birthday. once everyone called it a night and had left … except for my best friend who stayed to see that i was okay … i broke down in tears at the things i'd heard the week before and the weight of unspoken problems. mistakes and hurt and a seemingly irreparable cut in the bridge that once existed between our hearts. wishing you could see me as you once did because you once saw me for what i am.

i've learned from my flaws. emerged from this with the strength to finally be able to take care of myself. documented the scars so i cannot forget.
i'm standing. and growing. the best is yet to come.